Pandas suck. There. I said it and I am not sorry. I HATE pandas. HATE might not be a strong enough word. I truly despise these stupid, stupid animals. They suck. Pandas suck at the most essential things. Including the one thing that every other species currently existing on earth has managed: SURVIVING. I could write page after page of why I hate these stupid animals, but I will try to focus on the main reasons.
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| Above is a Red Panda. Red Pandas are awesome. |
The Giant Panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca or "black-and-white cat-foot" ...yeah.... ), are ill equipped at doing the following three things: Eating, Reproducing, and Caring for Young. Let's look at these individually:
1) Eating
"Though belonging to the order Carnivora, the panda has a diet which is 99% bamboo...However, pandas still have the digestive system of a carnivore and do not have the ability to digest cellulose efficiently, and thus derive little energy and little protein from consumption of bamboo. The average Giant Panda eats as much as 20 to 30 pounds of bamboo shoots a day. Because pandas consume a diet low in nutrition, it is important that they keep their digestive tract full." (Quoted from Wikipedia: Pandas)
Let's look at one of these sentences again "[Pandas] do not have the ability to digest cellulose efficiently." As humans we sometimes have difficulty digesting cellulose as well.
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| Look familiar? Don't worry, you'll have another chance to look at it in a few hours. |
And so the giant panda spends hours of its day chewing on bamboo, extracting less than 20% of the nutrients from it. And that's not an easy thing to do. Bamboo has a tensile strength greater than steel! To make matters worse, the panda's natural habitat is being destroyed. Now before you go feeling sorry for them, take one guess as to what the pandas use for shelter in the wild. BAMBOO! Yes, their only food source is also their shelter. Who is destroying their natural habitat? They are. They are literally eating themselves out of house and home.
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| "My house tastes terrible" |
Unlike ALL other bears, pandas do not hibernate (even polar bears have the ability to choose to hibernate if food gets scarce). Pandas simply do not consume enough protein to keep themselves alive during hibernation. To make matters worse, bamboo dies for two whole months during the harsh Chinese winter. Many wild pandas and their young starve to death during the winter months because these dumbass bears refuse to eat anything but bamboo. AND mothers will eat before caring for their young! Way to go mom!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, an animal so stupid, it doesn't realize it can eat meat:
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| She's a Vegan (Yes, I know. It hurts my brain too) |
2) Reproduction
According to an article in National Geographic, " [male pandas] either show a serious lack of interest or are incompatible* with the females and become aggressive." *[What National Geographic means is: females are too fat and male's parts are...um...too small]. A notice in the Chengdu panda museum spells it out: "The male panda's penis is so short, and the female's vagina is so long relatively, that the insemination rate is low." Nature is against them. The females ovulate for only 3 days in a year.Female pandas can only fall pregnant once per year with a 24-48 hour fertilization window. When they do mate, its only mate between mid-March and mid-May.
According to an article in National Geographic, " [male pandas] either show a serious lack of interest or are incompatible* with the females and become aggressive." *[What National Geographic means is: females are too fat and male's parts are...um...too small]. A notice in the Chengdu panda museum spells it out: "The male panda's penis is so short, and the female's vagina is so long relatively, that the insemination rate is low." Nature is against them. The females ovulate for only 3 days in a year.Female pandas can only fall pregnant once per year with a 24-48 hour fertilization window. When they do mate, its only mate between mid-March and mid-May.
Panda have to be tricked into mating. They are shown "Panda Porn" and given Viagra. (Source BBC News, CNN News, Fox News, MSNBC)
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| That bear is not having any of it |
In the wild, pandas do not reach sexual maturity until they are at least 4.5 years old and perhaps not until they are 7.5 years old. That means these morons have to survive for at least 4 years before they can even think about reproduction. Since a panda female may not produce her first offspring until the age of 7 years and probably raises only one young successfully every 3 years (a rate of 0.3 young per year), the population can sustain an annual total mortality rate no greater than about 8 % per year.
3) Caring for Young
Once a litter is born (1 to 3 cubs), a mother will focus on only one cub and let the others die.
Because of their mother's piss poor diet, the offspring suffer from malnutrition at birth and come out a mere 1/1000th of the size of their parents.
Infant mortality is high. Baby pandas are susceptible to illness and predators (leopards, packs of wild dogs, and eagles). Cubs are born blind and open their eyes at about 45 days. Young cubs need to nurse as many as 12 times per day. Mothers may leave the den for 3 to 4 hours to feed, leaving the cub vulnerable to predation.
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| "Did I just poop that out? When did I eat something other than bamboo?" |
Infant mortality is high. Baby pandas are susceptible to illness and predators (leopards, packs of wild dogs, and eagles). Cubs are born blind and open their eyes at about 45 days. Young cubs need to nurse as many as 12 times per day. Mothers may leave the den for 3 to 4 hours to feed, leaving the cub vulnerable to predation.
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| Aren't babies suppose to be adorable? |
They just don't give a shit. According to David Wildt, head of reproductive sciences at the Smithsonian National Zoological Park in Washington, "The mother doesn't even wake up—it's amazing." This may account for the recent "accident" on Sept 8, 2006 "Panda Mother Rolls Over, Crushes Cub" (CBS News)
4) Stupid Facts About A Stupid Bear
Pandas want to die. Many scientists think we should let them. Chris Packham is another who agrees. He described the species as having gone down “an evolutionary cu-de-sac”. The giant panda has an enlarged, movable wrist bone that serves as an opposable "false thumb" to the normal five toes on its front paws. They tried to evolve but are simply too stupid to use their paws/hands for anything.
Pandas want to die. Many scientists think we should let them. Chris Packham is another who agrees. He described the species as having gone down “an evolutionary cu-de-sac”. The giant panda has an enlarged, movable wrist bone that serves as an opposable "false thumb" to the normal five toes on its front paws. They tried to evolve but are simply too stupid to use their paws/hands for anything.
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| I would. Given the chance, I swear I would. |
Lun Lun and Yang Yang, Zoo Atlanta's (on loan of course) giant pandas, are draining the institution's food supplies far faster than they can be replenished. A panda's upkeep costs five times more than that of the next most expensive animal, AN ELEPHANT. A six-person crew travels around the state six days a week, harvesting bamboo from 400 volunteers who grow it in their backyards. (Donate Bamboo to Zoo Atlanta This link is only for reference. If you do this, I WILL stop speaking to you).
People think they are cute and cuddly. WRONG. They are in fact BEARS. It was previously believed that they were in the raccoon family (who cuddles with raccoons?). Recent DNA testing proves that they are in fact bears. They can and will kill you if given the chance.
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| "Look how fucking cuddly I am!" |
Pandas come from China. That makes them Communists. All the pandas you see in zoos are on loan from China. By "on loan" they mean that the Chinese government rents their pandas out (For over $1 million a year). So seeing pandas in the zoo is supporting communism. The United States spends millions of dollars getting pandas to breed (usually through artificial insemination) only to have to give the baby panda to China AFTER paying a $600,000 "baby tax".
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| Pictured: Godless propaganda machine |
And finally, my personal favorite:
Pandas live in a green forest so their natural camouflage is of course….BLACK AND WHITE! A recent theory is that pandas developed the contrasting black and white colors over time so they would stand out in the forest and be able to AVOID each other. (Discovery Channel: Pandas) Yes, these isolated animals do not even like each other (I guess I have that in common with pandas. A general distaste for pandas).
So let's review the facts: They don't want to eat, they don't want to breed, they don't want to take care of their offspring, and they don't want to socialize with other pandas. Let's face it. These bears WANT to die. Why are we so busy trying to save them? They want and deserve to die. I for one want to help them out. Given the chance I would kill a panda. But from the looks of it, the 1600 that are left in the world should do just fine killing themselves.
Pandas live in a green forest so their natural camouflage is of course….BLACK AND WHITE! A recent theory is that pandas developed the contrasting black and white colors over time so they would stand out in the forest and be able to AVOID each other. (Discovery Channel: Pandas) Yes, these isolated animals do not even like each other (I guess I have that in common with pandas. A general distaste for pandas).
So let's review the facts: They don't want to eat, they don't want to breed, they don't want to take care of their offspring, and they don't want to socialize with other pandas. Let's face it. These bears WANT to die. Why are we so busy trying to save them? They want and deserve to die. I for one want to help them out. Given the chance I would kill a panda. But from the looks of it, the 1600 that are left in the world should do just fine killing themselves.
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| My Birthday is January 23rd. |
