At a family BBQ the other day, my aunt told me "Hey! I liked your blog." and then my grandmother chimed in and said "I liked it too, but you don't have to use so much profanity! You're very funny. Do you have to use so many curse words?" So in an effort to appease grandmothers everywhere I will attempt to tone down the swearing.
Once I let the cat out of the bag that I was actively looking for a special lady friend, that prompted the women in my family to chime in on what kind of woman I SHOULD be looking for. Not the "harlots" online (yes, the word harlot was used). They demanded to see some of my matches so I showed them a few and that went incredibly poorly.
(Remember in my last post when I said I felt I was being too judgmental?) "Noah, you need to be MORE judgmental!" said one of my aunts. They criticized everyone they saw and liked no one. "Oh no! Not THAT one." The one's who are in their underwear (the girl was in a bikini with friends at the beach) or in a "Playboy pose" (that girl was in a formal gown and posing in profile). According to one aunt and my grandmother, I should be looking for an "Irish Catholic school teacher". That seems pretty specific and I suppose to them the rest of the details are irrelevant (except no underwear pics and no Playboy poses). So if you know of any (or happen to be one yourself), it would make my family very happy if I dated one.
Now I know that some of you maybe thinking that my family is just very conservative. This isn't the case. My grandmother is extremely progressive and always aware of cultural fads. My aunts are all hip and keeping up with all the trends on their iPads. (It should be noted my grandmother was the first person I knew with an iPad, and I know developers who work for Apple.) They are in the know. This left me to wonder why their suggestions were the way they were. Do they think I need someone to reel me in? It also made me wonder if it is just a female thing. Are the women who are looking at me judging me as harshly as my family is judging them? That doesn't seem like a good thing for me.
Putting aside my family's neurosis for the moment, I have in fact been on a few dates with women I have met online. Here are some things I wish I could say before the first date:
How's your relationship with your father?
If she does anything but start crying, I should just say "It was nice to meet you" and then walk away. I do well with women who have poor relationships with the men in their life. Why do I attract women with "daddy issues"? If she has issues, she loves me. Always. Why?! Is it the beard? The attitude? Seriously, tell me. Cause those chicks are crazy.
Do you understand that its a double standard to ask me for chivalry and to be progressive?
Nothing like a woman who wants to bitch and complain about how women are treated unfairly and then expect me to pay for dinner. Do you want to be progressive and split the check? How about you pay for ME? Is that fair enough? The point is that I like chivalry. I understand gender roles and their importance at times. I stand when a woman leaves the table. I open doors. I'll pay for dinner. I just don't like people who complain on a first date. You should really be putting your best self forward. And if you make negative generalizations, realize that it could be perceived as an insult. "Guys are all such jerks! I mean, not you. I'm not calling you a jerk." Except that you just did
Please realize that if you hate the things I love, I probably wont call you again:
I had a date with a girl who asked me who my favorite teams were and then used that as a segway to tell me how much she hates sports. ALL sports! I don't need a woman who LOVES sports, but if you actively HATE them, that's going to be a problem. There's plenty of room in the middle. Sports aren't your thing? That's fine. I'm sure you're into something I'm not. I don't understand the fascination with finding someone who's a mirror of yourself. How boring is that? And a common thing for women in that situation to say to me is "You can teach me." Yeah, cause that's what I want to do. Spend $100 to go to the game so you can complain that its 3 hours long and you don't understand what's happening even though I just explained it to you. Let's be honest, you've been alive for over 20 some odd years and you haven't wanted to learn up to now? You don't want to learn. You want to nag me and make me hate sports too. Not going for it.
*****I'd like to ask any grandmas reading to please skip ahead to when you see more asterisks. Thank you*****
If you decide to announce we aren't going to be sleeping together, its not going to win you any points
Its our first time hanging out. She's having a good time. I'm having a good time. Then out of nowhere my date will say, "I'm not going to have sex with you tonight." This is a shockingly common thing for my dates to say. Out of the blue. Just blurts it out. And I sorta get it. Its our first date and you start to feel an attraction to me, and during our flirting you are worried you might be coming on too strong. Or maybe you just started thinking about it and you wanted me to know you consider yourself a lady. Fine. Or...wait...what? It really doesn't make sense. Its a pretty stupid thing to say actually. It would be similar to me saying something along the lines of "I will not be buying you any jewelry tonight! Perhaps in the future when I'm ready, but tonight it ain't gonna happen, so don't get your hopes up lady!" Is it that they want to make a game of it and be perceived as a challenge? Readers please weigh in.
*****Welcome back random internet grandmas (who may or may not be my actual grandma). Your cooperation with this blog is greatly appreciated.*****
I know what I'm doing wrong. I'm using logic. The dating game is completely illogical. We have the distinct disadvantage of science telling us why we do what we do and society telling us why we are NOT suppose to do it. Its all a little much and thus far, I'm not a fan.
-N
Once I let the cat out of the bag that I was actively looking for a special lady friend, that prompted the women in my family to chime in on what kind of woman I SHOULD be looking for. Not the "harlots" online (yes, the word harlot was used). They demanded to see some of my matches so I showed them a few and that went incredibly poorly.
(Remember in my last post when I said I felt I was being too judgmental?) "Noah, you need to be MORE judgmental!" said one of my aunts. They criticized everyone they saw and liked no one. "Oh no! Not THAT one." The one's who are in their underwear (the girl was in a bikini with friends at the beach) or in a "Playboy pose" (that girl was in a formal gown and posing in profile). According to one aunt and my grandmother, I should be looking for an "Irish Catholic school teacher". That seems pretty specific and I suppose to them the rest of the details are irrelevant (except no underwear pics and no Playboy poses). So if you know of any (or happen to be one yourself), it would make my family very happy if I dated one.
Now I know that some of you maybe thinking that my family is just very conservative. This isn't the case. My grandmother is extremely progressive and always aware of cultural fads. My aunts are all hip and keeping up with all the trends on their iPads. (It should be noted my grandmother was the first person I knew with an iPad, and I know developers who work for Apple.) They are in the know. This left me to wonder why their suggestions were the way they were. Do they think I need someone to reel me in? It also made me wonder if it is just a female thing. Are the women who are looking at me judging me as harshly as my family is judging them? That doesn't seem like a good thing for me.
Putting aside my family's neurosis for the moment, I have in fact been on a few dates with women I have met online. Here are some things I wish I could say before the first date:
How's your relationship with your father?
If she does anything but start crying, I should just say "It was nice to meet you" and then walk away. I do well with women who have poor relationships with the men in their life. Why do I attract women with "daddy issues"? If she has issues, she loves me. Always. Why?! Is it the beard? The attitude? Seriously, tell me. Cause those chicks are crazy.
Do you understand that its a double standard to ask me for chivalry and to be progressive?
Nothing like a woman who wants to bitch and complain about how women are treated unfairly and then expect me to pay for dinner. Do you want to be progressive and split the check? How about you pay for ME? Is that fair enough? The point is that I like chivalry. I understand gender roles and their importance at times. I stand when a woman leaves the table. I open doors. I'll pay for dinner. I just don't like people who complain on a first date. You should really be putting your best self forward. And if you make negative generalizations, realize that it could be perceived as an insult. "Guys are all such jerks! I mean, not you. I'm not calling you a jerk." Except that you just did
Please realize that if you hate the things I love, I probably wont call you again:
I had a date with a girl who asked me who my favorite teams were and then used that as a segway to tell me how much she hates sports. ALL sports! I don't need a woman who LOVES sports, but if you actively HATE them, that's going to be a problem. There's plenty of room in the middle. Sports aren't your thing? That's fine. I'm sure you're into something I'm not. I don't understand the fascination with finding someone who's a mirror of yourself. How boring is that? And a common thing for women in that situation to say to me is "You can teach me." Yeah, cause that's what I want to do. Spend $100 to go to the game so you can complain that its 3 hours long and you don't understand what's happening even though I just explained it to you. Let's be honest, you've been alive for over 20 some odd years and you haven't wanted to learn up to now? You don't want to learn. You want to nag me and make me hate sports too. Not going for it.
*****I'd like to ask any grandmas reading to please skip ahead to when you see more asterisks. Thank you*****
If you decide to announce we aren't going to be sleeping together, its not going to win you any points
Its our first time hanging out. She's having a good time. I'm having a good time. Then out of nowhere my date will say, "I'm not going to have sex with you tonight." This is a shockingly common thing for my dates to say. Out of the blue. Just blurts it out. And I sorta get it. Its our first date and you start to feel an attraction to me, and during our flirting you are worried you might be coming on too strong. Or maybe you just started thinking about it and you wanted me to know you consider yourself a lady. Fine. Or...wait...what? It really doesn't make sense. Its a pretty stupid thing to say actually. It would be similar to me saying something along the lines of "I will not be buying you any jewelry tonight! Perhaps in the future when I'm ready, but tonight it ain't gonna happen, so don't get your hopes up lady!" Is it that they want to make a game of it and be perceived as a challenge? Readers please weigh in.
*****Welcome back random internet grandmas (who may or may not be my actual grandma). Your cooperation with this blog is greatly appreciated.*****
I know what I'm doing wrong. I'm using logic. The dating game is completely illogical. We have the distinct disadvantage of science telling us why we do what we do and society telling us why we are NOT suppose to do it. Its all a little much and thus far, I'm not a fan.
-N
No comments:
Post a Comment